I have been experimenting the acrylic gouache in still life. Although I have fairly successfully used pencil, oil, acrylic, and other media in portraying still life, I am finding it difficult to get the right ratio of water to paint… and to find the techniques that work to get the effect I am after. I see one thing but create an entirely different thing. I will not share the full studies, as I am not pleased with them. But I will share some redeeming parts that I do like. As a whole, I feel I am on the right track. It is just a long journey to get to my vision.   

My own critique: I am working too heavily. I need to back off on intensity. 

I want to loosen up some and be less calculated. 

It comes down to experience, practice, and discipline. I have little experience with this medium. My time for practice is still not sufficient to build confidence nor find the techniques that work for my vision. And although I am working on establishing a routine for working weekly, the discipline is interrupted by many other factors.

It is good to be consistently working again. I move forward while learning more about this medium. It is good to push myself. There will be more to come. 

After last night's post I found two more poems that I wrote which followed my face-down of the Dragon of self berating.

In the light,
a colorful light,
I could see a way out-
out of his den and free.
The colorful light now I beheld,
twas a Rainbow hovering over me.
"Don't look back.",
called the voice of Courage.
"You can win.",
said the voice of Hope.
"I will!", heard I, as I then realized,
Twas my own clear voice, which spoke.
-Angie Cook


Dragon Fire

My dreams were tried in the Dragon's fire…
But now I know that ol' Dragon liar.
I'll cease to be his puppet on strings…
Now I'm surrounded with beautiful things.
Why, oh why does he torment those,
Who are weak and in need? Nobody knows.
But, I'll tell my story and hope to defeat,
That dream-blazing, glaring, horrible beast.
-Angie Cook

It is a common thing for artists to be self-critical of their work. But an artist with Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) is not only critical of their work but also of their self. Healthy self talk can help us grow, but if it is negative to the degree to cause creative blocks or in a worse case scenario- depression, then it needs to be put into its place…. out of mind.

I used to have depression, low self esteem, and be continuously putting myself down. I still have those little "talks" with the negative voice mocking me and trying to beat down my confidence but I have learned to accept myself with all the frailties and flaws. This does not mean I always feel good about where I am at in my personal growth, as it is a life long lesson…. we never get finished learning. However, I am not always doubting myself anymore. Maybe it takes a few falls and the act of climbing back up, to realize we will be doing a lot of this so we may as well laugh at ourselves and keep at it.

A few years ago…. well, quite a few years ago I wrote a poem that I will share here. Maybe there are others who can benefit from it. All I know is that it helped me at a time when I needed it.

Slaying the Dragon by Angie Cook

Awkwardly demanding, the unreasonable feat
knowing the goal is ultimate defeat.
Seeking to destroy is its purpose and command,
raging in its fury… burning sand.

Self doubt, confusion, criticism, and fear…
depression… to feel those eyes that sear
into the soul, taking apart all your dreams,
looking all about, no hope it seems.

How can we fight it, a Dragon so great?
Can we hope to find safety? Can we hope to escape?
He knows all about us, every failure, every dread,
will he bear down upon us, until all life be dead?

That fire from his fury, burning all that's exposed,
every delicate, faltering, fragile, self concept repose.
The timid will fall, for fear calls his attention…
then terrors will come, horrible to mention.

Anger is useless, to fight such a one…
resentment, will not help the battle to be won!
Only the gallant, the hardy, honest and true,
will stand up against him, and faith's hope renew.

This was written around the time I learned about ADD and came to terms with it. I began forgiving myself of the many mistakes I had made while stumbling through life unaware of why I struggled so. I set out to get to know myself, to understand and be kind. As I learned, I taught my family. Together we began to change our attitudes over my forgetfulness, and disorganization…. and many other things. It takes a support system. Soon, I could even laugh about it. I embraced the truth and it set me free.

Self improvement is always my goal. Self talk and the pesky negative voice will always flair up when I am weak and vulnerable. But now I at least know enough about myself to believe I can let my little light shine by believing in myself… and the One who made me who I am… then that ol' Dragon just backs off and leaves me alone.

Two years have come and gone since I last posted here. I suppose that is appropriate since it has been a two year desert-land, where survival was the main focus. 

Yes there has been art, as that is how I survive, along with prayer, love, work… etc.- but the focus of output was more in line with creative play than what I consider to be artist-worthy. There were a few good pieces but nothing felt significant. I have been drifting as an artist. 

Then an inspiration came. I could see clearly where I wanted to go. I found the medium I wanted to take me there. Made a purchase and started painting. I made a goal to do one artwork per week this year, just to make me work with a disciplined expectation. I need to succeed and fail and keep going, in order to climb these self-made walls keeping me from productivity. It doesn't matter what medium or form my weekly work is in, as long as it is original artwork… coming from my hands only. No stamped art from bought stamps; or assembled creations from purchased bauble. 

Last week I surprised myself. We had a beautiful snow-covered landscape that inspired me to make a new goal. I wanted to do twelve snow scenes. Having four snow-days (from work) and then the weekend and two days off for winter-break gave me over a full week off. As I completed each one I posted them on Facebook. What happened next renewed my self confidence and fueled the desire to push on. In the days following my Facebook picture posts- the incoming support, appreciation, and even purchases was the spark I needed to jump start this engine inside. I completed my goal, sold over half of them and now I believe I can keep going. 

I have a huge learning curve ahead with the new medium- Holbein Acryla Gouache. I have not yet reached the destination of my original inspiration which made me purchase this medium, but I have not given up. The vision and desire is still alive. So I work. 

I am making a new goal now. I pledge to keep a regular entry cycle going with this blog beginning today. Just as I create at least one work of art per week, I will enter my journey-thoughts here weekly. Hopefully this journey will reach others who either need to find their own creative journeys, or those who are curious about what an artist journey looks like. Previously mine has been overcome with self doubts at many junctures, but I am going to work on that negative self talk and lighten up a little. Not every work is going to succeed. But the important thing is to keep working. 

Art for Healing

     On February 10th my husband had a very serious surgery. I began a handmade fabric art-book of which I could work on in the many waiting rooms; the ICU; the hospital room; the hotel room; and at home the week after surgery in between times of taking care of my husband's needs. This was a work of art to keep my hands and mind busy while waiting, praying, and hanging on to hope that "this too shall pass."

     He came through the surgery fine. Tomorrow we will go to the surgeon for the post op visit. Everything is hand stitched.

The buttons are very old. The images inside are from vintage fabric. I tried to leave some of the original print showing as I embroidered some details. I used a small dowel keeps the fabric from pulling in the center as it wraps around to close.

The black fastener is covered with intricate crochet stitches.

I did not make this. It is something I found in some trim given to me by a friend.

The text is printed onto printable organza fabric.

Miss Molly- A New Doll

This is Miss Molly- my newest doll. It all began with a Pom Wonderful bottle for the torso, which was enclosed in a paper mache' sculpting. The head, legs, and arms are soft sculpt.

Her hat and shoes are felt and her dress and pantaloons are re-purposed scraps. The hands have wire inside and can be shaped to hold things.

Handmade Christmas Gifts Series II

August 11, 2011 my mother died two days after her 87th birthday. Her name was Elizabeth Pearl (Carroll) Howard. The era of her younger life was spent when being a "housewife/homemaker" was an honored profession although not thought of as a job. It was the expected duty of wife and mother. I never heard her complain of that. She kept a neat home; provided regular home cooked meals; always made sure my sister and I was clean and dressed as nice as we could afford; but most of all- taught us the good values of living a good life with our main "social" connections made in the Church.

When my sister and I cleaned out Mama's apartment, I kept the tablecloths. I think my sister kept the aprons. I cut up the three tablecloths to make keepsake gifts for our three daughters and three oldest granddaughters for Christmas.

I used 3-ring notebooks and made covers from Mama's tablecloths. Each contain recipes collected over the years from our family and Church friends.

The buttons came off of one of Mama's dresses.

I made a pocket inside each cover for collecting recipes.

This is Mama's pound cake recipe. I made notes like this on some of the recipes to add history to the memories collected here.

I used another of the tablecloths along with some other fabric to make six aprons also.

Each of the pockets came from her table cloth.

Each apron was different. It was like putting a puzzle together to get the fabric to work out.

In each apron, I added a little book of wisdom for everyday life.

Since we were all very connected to the lady who left behind the memories connected to these gifts, the opening of these presents was a somber time to absorb. I think my girls and their girls were very appreciative and grateful to the life their grandmother led. I think they are happy I took the time to turn a few pieces of fabric which carried precious memories into two useful keepsakes for each.

I am happy to hand down something to try to preserve a part of my legacy of times when women were willing to work with their hands to provide for their families. I know most women do that now in a much different way, and it is still good. It is a very different time though. It is good to remember.

Handmade Christmas Gifts Series I

Every Christmas I try to make some of the gifts for our family. This time, I made use of five little wooden boxes that look like books. I found them at the Goodwill store for three dollars each. The inside was a nice velvet-like surface covering both front and back.The outside was complete with hinges and a clasp but only finished with a coat of paint, and a little scuffed.  Since I love the craft of book arts, I decided to make book art "art boxes" for the five youngest grandchildren.

I began by painting the sides an iridescent color to resemble the classic book collections.

The top was slightly recessed so I planned to use this to personalize each to fit the owner.

So each began to take a personality with special handmade papers, and a variety of lettering options.

The split screen details below show how I filled each box with goodies for the children (ages 4 to 9) to make their own little books. I included a handmade book with blank pages for them to fill; and a tiny purchased book for inspiration to make miniature books; a set of colored pencils and sharpener; a #2 pencil; a set of colored and white papers already folded and punched with two holes and the waxed linen thread to bind them with; and three little packets. One of these contained small envelopes I made from recycled magazine images. These could be used for pockets in their books. Tiny envelopes with cards were in another packet, and kitty stickers was in the third packet.

Region's box cover was finished with a thick coat of Ultra Thick Embossing Enamel (UTEE) which forms a glass-like appearance.

There was so much going on at our large family gathering I only got pictures of two of the grandchildren with their boxes.

Above is Jesse discovering the contents of her art box.

Below is Nadine. Both girls love doing art with Mommy and Grandmama.

Notice how Jesse has her hand lovingly on the box while about to open other gifts.

These pictures show me it was well worth all the thought and care I put into making these personalized gifts.

Below, I was happy to see the boxes were considered prized gifts by how they held them near even while enjoying the other gifts.

Notice how Nadine was playing with her DoDollie TM  (also a handmade gift from Grandmama) using the box as a "stage".

Jesse was appreciating the details of the contents of her book art- art box.

Every artist loves to feel validated- that their creations mean something.

I am a happy artist right now.