After last night's post I found two more poems that I wrote which followed my face-down of the Dragon of self berating.

In the light,
a colorful light,
I could see a way out-
out of his den and free.
The colorful light now I beheld,
twas a Rainbow hovering over me.
"Don't look back.",
called the voice of Courage.
"You can win.",
said the voice of Hope.
"I will!", heard I, as I then realized,
Twas my own clear voice, which spoke.
-Angie Cook


Dragon Fire

My dreams were tried in the Dragon's fire…
But now I know that ol' Dragon liar.
I'll cease to be his puppet on strings…
Now I'm surrounded with beautiful things.
Why, oh why does he torment those,
Who are weak and in need? Nobody knows.
But, I'll tell my story and hope to defeat,
That dream-blazing, glaring, horrible beast.
-Angie Cook

It is a common thing for artists to be self-critical of their work. But an artist with Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) is not only critical of their work but also of their self. Healthy self talk can help us grow, but if it is negative to the degree to cause creative blocks or in a worse case scenario- depression, then it needs to be put into its place…. out of mind.

I used to have depression, low self esteem, and be continuously putting myself down. I still have those little "talks" with the negative voice mocking me and trying to beat down my confidence but I have learned to accept myself with all the frailties and flaws. This does not mean I always feel good about where I am at in my personal growth, as it is a life long lesson…. we never get finished learning. However, I am not always doubting myself anymore. Maybe it takes a few falls and the act of climbing back up, to realize we will be doing a lot of this so we may as well laugh at ourselves and keep at it.

A few years ago…. well, quite a few years ago I wrote a poem that I will share here. Maybe there are others who can benefit from it. All I know is that it helped me at a time when I needed it.

Slaying the Dragon by Angie Cook

Awkwardly demanding, the unreasonable feat
knowing the goal is ultimate defeat.
Seeking to destroy is its purpose and command,
raging in its fury… burning sand.

Self doubt, confusion, criticism, and fear…
depression… to feel those eyes that sear
into the soul, taking apart all your dreams,
looking all about, no hope it seems.

How can we fight it, a Dragon so great?
Can we hope to find safety? Can we hope to escape?
He knows all about us, every failure, every dread,
will he bear down upon us, until all life be dead?

That fire from his fury, burning all that's exposed,
every delicate, faltering, fragile, self concept repose.
The timid will fall, for fear calls his attention…
then terrors will come, horrible to mention.

Anger is useless, to fight such a one…
resentment, will not help the battle to be won!
Only the gallant, the hardy, honest and true,
will stand up against him, and faith's hope renew.

This was written around the time I learned about ADD and came to terms with it. I began forgiving myself of the many mistakes I had made while stumbling through life unaware of why I struggled so. I set out to get to know myself, to understand and be kind. As I learned, I taught my family. Together we began to change our attitudes over my forgetfulness, and disorganization…. and many other things. It takes a support system. Soon, I could even laugh about it. I embraced the truth and it set me free.

Self improvement is always my goal. Self talk and the pesky negative voice will always flair up when I am weak and vulnerable. But now I at least know enough about myself to believe I can let my little light shine by believing in myself… and the One who made me who I am… then that ol' Dragon just backs off and leaves me alone.

Two years have come and gone since I last posted here. I suppose that is appropriate since it has been a two year desert-land, where survival was the main focus. 

Yes there has been art, as that is how I survive, along with prayer, love, work… etc.- but the focus of output was more in line with creative play than what I consider to be artist-worthy. There were a few good pieces but nothing felt significant. I have been drifting as an artist. 

Then an inspiration came. I could see clearly where I wanted to go. I found the medium I wanted to take me there. Made a purchase and started painting. I made a goal to do one artwork per week this year, just to make me work with a disciplined expectation. I need to succeed and fail and keep going, in order to climb these self-made walls keeping me from productivity. It doesn't matter what medium or form my weekly work is in, as long as it is original artwork… coming from my hands only. No stamped art from bought stamps; or assembled creations from purchased bauble. 

Last week I surprised myself. We had a beautiful snow-covered landscape that inspired me to make a new goal. I wanted to do twelve snow scenes. Having four snow-days (from work) and then the weekend and two days off for winter-break gave me over a full week off. As I completed each one I posted them on Facebook. What happened next renewed my self confidence and fueled the desire to push on. In the days following my Facebook picture posts- the incoming support, appreciation, and even purchases was the spark I needed to jump start this engine inside. I completed my goal, sold over half of them and now I believe I can keep going. 

I have a huge learning curve ahead with the new medium- Holbein Acryla Gouache. I have not yet reached the destination of my original inspiration which made me purchase this medium, but I have not given up. The vision and desire is still alive. So I work. 

I am making a new goal now. I pledge to keep a regular entry cycle going with this blog beginning today. Just as I create at least one work of art per week, I will enter my journey-thoughts here weekly. Hopefully this journey will reach others who either need to find their own creative journeys, or those who are curious about what an artist journey looks like. Previously mine has been overcome with self doubts at many junctures, but I am going to work on that negative self talk and lighten up a little. Not every work is going to succeed. But the important thing is to keep working.